Interesting study here.
In a companion study 
, W. Bradford Wilcox looked at marital happiness among women who had more progressive gender attitudes about the division of work and family, and who expressed support for working wives. Even women in this sample tended to be happier if they did not work outside the home, had a husband who took the lead in breadwinning, and/or shared a strong commitment to the norm of lifelong marriage.
Bits below. Hmm…
The top predictors of women’s marital happiness, in order of importance:
- A husband’s emotional engagement.
Women who are married to men who make an effort to listen to them, who express affection and appreciation on a regular basis, and who share quality time with them on a regular basis (date nights, frequent conversations focusing on mutual interests and one another) are much happier in their marriages than women who do not have emotionally-engaged husbands.- Fairness.
Women who think that housework (and other family responsibilities) are divided fairly are significantly happier than women who think that their husband does not do his fair share. Note, however, that most wives do not equate fairness with a 50–50 model of equality. Only 30% of wives in this study think their marriage is unfair, even though the vast majority of wives do the bulk of childcare and housework. Why is this? In the average marriage, husbands devote significantly more hours to paid labor than do wives—especially when children come along. So, in the average marriage, husbands and wives devote about the same amount of total hours to the paid and unpaid work associated with caring for a family.- A breadwinning husband.
American wives, even wives who hold more feminist views about working women and the division of household tasks, are typically happier when their husband earns 68% or more of the household income. Husbands who are successful breadwinners probably give their wives the opportunity to make choices about work and family—e.g., working part-time, staying home, or pursuing a meaningful but not particularly remunerative job—that allow them to best respond to their own needs, and the needs of their children.- A commitment to marriage.
Wives who share a strong commitment to the norm of lifelong marriage with their husband—e.g., who both believe that even unhappily married couples should stay together for the sake of their children—are more likely to have a happy marriage than couples who do not share this commitment to marriage. Shared commitment seems to generate a sense of trust, emotional security, and a willingness to sacrifice for one’s spouse—all of which lead to happier marriages for women. This shared commitment also provides women with a long-term view of their marriage that helps them negotiate the inevitable difficulties that confront any marriage.- Staying at home.
Wives who stay at home tend to be happier in their marriages than wives who work outside the home. This is particularly true for women who have children in the home. Women often find it difficult to juggle kids, a career, and a marriage all at the same time. In fact, the study finds that working women are less likely to spend quality time with their husbands. They are also more likely to report that the division of housework is unfair. So time pressures and role overload help to explain why working wives are typically less happy in their marriages.- Shared religious attendance.
Wives who attend church or some other worship service with their husbands tend to be happier than wives who do not share religious attendance with their husbands. Religious attendance may give wives a sense that God is present in their marriage, a sense that their husband seeks to please them by attending church with them, and/or access to other married couples who value marriage and can provide them with guidance and moral support for their marriages.- Traditional gender attitudes.
Wives who hold more traditional gender attitudes—e.g., who believe that wives should focus more on nurturing/homemaking and husbands should focus more on breadwinning—are happier than wives who hold more feminist attitudes. One reason this may be the case is that traditional-minded wives probably have lower expectations of what their husbands can and should do for them emotionally and practically. We also find that more traditional-minded wives spend more quality time with their husbands, perhaps because they are less likely to argue with their husbands about housework and childcare.
Other also read:
Colleen, I’ve observed that non-traditional-minded women also tend to be just flat-out angry. They tend to have bought into a mentality that men are the enemy, somehow, responsible for everything that makes them unhappy, and they tend to resent men for being men. I would think that, by contrast, traditional-minded women recognize that men are not supposed to be just like us (excepting anatomical differences) and appreciate the masculine identity, even when it doesn’t quite make sense to us, even when it isn’t exactly comfortable for us.
Good post, btw — thank you!
Hi Colleen,
Thank you for this. It helps those of us praying for a marriage vocation. We all need to read this as we meditate on our roles as future husbands.
Have you ever written any pieces on courtships? I find material regarding courtships scarce, unless we read…well, you know…some unorthodox Cathoic sources.
Most women I know, even self-identified SAHMs, don’t fit the traditional mothering model these days — most of us work significant hours volunteering (at school or church, teams), even if we don’t draw a paycheck. We may be “at home” but we’re seldom actually home. Then there’s the home-schooling moms, who have a full-time job as teacher (again, without drawing a paycheck).
By the same token, dads today face different pressures than our fathers did. My dad was home every night by 6:00 pm for dinner; my husband seldom makes it home in time to tuck the children in (let alone for dinner) more than once or twice a week. It’s part of his job … and I can tell you that in the beginning, it was a great source of unhappiness for me until I began to examine what it was doing to our marriage. Gradually I had to adjust my expectations, and it made family life much more peaceful.
I think it is this ability to adjust expectations as needed that is really at the heart of marital happiness. Some would call it “contentment.” Others “detachment.” Food for thought.
I am currently re-reading a book you might enjoy: Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. Have you heard of it? Just a “warning,” it is not a Catholic book, but it is biblical and makes some valid points. Several of my devout Catholic friends have read it and recommended it to me. It is a very interesting read. I’d love to know your thoughts.
I agree on all of these points and the order in which they are ranked. #1 is particularly important, and without it in place none of the other points work satisfactorily in making a woman happy in marriage..
I didn’t find #5 to be true in our lives, but then when I worked outside the home, I spent all my spare time with my husband and son. We made sure to do things together, and my family was always the main focus. My husband helps out quite a bit, so the division of labor was always good, and never an issue. Perhaps we are unusual?